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Corporate Language Compliance Generator

The Daily WTF
1 month ago

You've already read the longer version. You need a quick phrase of corpo-speak to distract and confuse your rivals. Here's the generator for doing that:

Generate class Replacement { constructor(text) { this.tokens = text.split(" "); } } class Rule { constructor() { this.replacements = []; } addReplacement(text) { const opts = text.split("|"); opts.forEach((o) => this.replacements.push(new Replacement(o))); } choose() { return this.replacements[Math.floor(Math.random()*this.replacements.length)]; } } class Grammar { constructor() { this.rules = {}; } setStart(token) { this.start = token; } addRule(token,text) { if (!this.rules[token]) { this.rules[token] = new Rule(); } this.rules[token].addReplacement(text); return this; } addRules(token,sepText) { sepText.split("|").forEach(text => { this.addRule(token, text); }); } generate(token) { if (this.rules[token]) { const nextVal = this.rules[token].choose(); let res = []; nextVal.tokens.forEach(token => { res = res.concat(this.generate(token)); }); return res; } return [token]; } phrase() { return this.generate(this.start); } } class UI { constructor(grammar) { this.button = document.getElementById("generate"); this.content = document.getElementById("generated"); const callback = () => { const text = grammar.phrase(); let joined = text.join(" "); joined = joined.replace(/ ,/g, ","); this.content.innerHTML = joined; } this.button.addEventListener("click", callback); callback(); } } let g = new Grammar(); g .addRule("!mission", "Our goal|Our objective|Our stance|Our culture|Our mission|Our ethos|Our call to arms|Our essence|Our scent") .addRule("!missions", "!mission|!mission and !submission") .addRule("!visions", "vision|perspective|orientation|clear-sight|foresight|over-the-horizon planning|clear-eyed self-assessments") .addRule("!submission", "raison 'd etre|purpose|customer-focused soul|!withs powered !visions") .addRule("!is_that", "is that by|is by|demands that|expands over our") .addRule("!prep", "in|with|onto|into|without") .addRule("!bleeding", "technology|values|timelines|commitment|redundancy|credentialing") .addRule("!withs", "AI|creativity|the ubermensch|prestige|the latest technology|user-enabling|bleeding edge !bleeding|blockchain|NFTs") .addRule("!action", "leveraging|powering|working|engaging|bandwidth-widening|agentifying|vision questing|covering all the bases|solving|absorbing|communing|joining") .addRule("!action", "actioning|emoting|crafting|forging|manifesting|demonstrating|advocating|willing|engaging Nietzschean will-to-powering") .addRule("!action", "pressure testing|getting in the tent|saving|drumming our own beat|enabling|blue-skying") .addRule("!target", "core competencies|synergies|cross-collateralization|blue-sky thinking|best practices|vision|impact|target|low hanging fruit") .addRule("!target", "foundation|ideation|idea generation|lead generation|pull|bank accounts|shareholder-value|new domains|the whales") .addRule("!target_mods", "cradle-to-grave|balanced|cross back|high-value|high-impact|maximalizing|throughput-maxxing|reinvented|collaborational|optimized") .addRule("!target_mods", "withholding|full-ecosystem|cross-functional|network-oriented|cross-paradigm|growth-hacking|disruption|appropriate|gravitational") .addRule("!targets", "!target|!adjective !target|!target_mods !target|!target and !targets") .addRule("!adjective", "open|wide|smart|enabled|agentic|AI-first|AI-forward|fifth-sigma|forward looking|future-proof|optimized|four-quadrant") .addRule("!adjective", "vast|moatified|inverted|AI-enabled|LLM-driven|agent-driven|paradigmatic|pragmatic|blue-sky|open doored|window-oriented|maximizing") .addRule("!adverb", "markedly|vastly|smartly|synergistically|agentically|cooly|vapidly|rapidly|overwhelmingly|abstractly|inherently|value-balancingly") .addRule("!adverb", "disruptively") .addRule("!actions", "!action|!adverb !action") .addRule("!objects", "the world|the economy|the market|society|best practices|the info-sphere|cyberspace|the dating scene|high-value market segments|the eschaton|anime consumers|the poorly hydrated|Warhammer fanatics|executive assistants|stake holders|investor value|the median consumer") .addRule("!objects", "future generations|high quality sandwiches|thought-leaders|visionaries|the reckless ones|Big Brother|paradigms") .addRule("!objects", "the infodome|the terror dome|gorgeous lights|city-pop albums|heart transplants|financial envelope") .addRule("!by_phrase", "By !actions !targets we are !actions !prep !objects") .addRule("!by_phrase", "By !actions !prep !targets we are !actions !objects") .addRule("!by_phrase", "By !actions !prep !targets with !withs we are !actions !objects") .addRule("!miss_phrase", "!missions !is_that !action !prep !targets !adverb !action !target") .addRule("!miss_phrase", "!missions is !action !objects by !actions !targets") .addRule("!with_phrase", "With !withs , we are !actions !objects to !action !targets") .addRule("!with_phrase", "!missions !is_that with !withs we are !actions !objects") .addRule("!are_phrase", "We are !objects !action !targets|We are !actions !prep !objects|We are !withs !prep !targets") .addRule("!phrase", "!by_phrase|!miss_phrase|!with_phrase|!are_phrase") g.setStart("!phrase"); let ui = new UI(g);

Now, admittedly, this generator may use a grammar for generating phrases, but it's not an English grammar, and the result is that sometimes it has problems with verb agreement and other prosaic English rules. I say, lean into it. Let someone challenge your bad grammar, and then look down your nose at them, and say: "I'm blue-skying the infosphere across new domains, you wouldn't get it."

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Remy Porter